How Do We Envision Our Family?

The decision to grow our family is a deeply personal one. We have been discussing children and our desire to become parents for about ten years. Throughout our journey through infertility and the path to adoption, we have been genuinely surprised by some of the questions and comments we have received from perhaps well-meaning people, which have been condescending at best and judgmental and rude at worst. At first when we would tell people we couldn't have children, they would say things like "Have you looked into In-Vitro? How about surrogacy?"  and similar questions like that.  Later we heard a lot of "Why don't you just foster and then adopt? That's cheap right?"  Many of them probably didn't know what to say; they probably felt bad and maybe uncomfortable about asking us when we were having kids, which is why it's best to avoid asking people that question in the first place.

Those questions may seem innocuous enough, but here's the problem. We are both educated people who work in fields that revolve around children. Through our grad programs we have access to high-quality research databases, and through our jobs we work with Children and Youth and other types of social services. So to answer all those questions: YES. Yes we've looked into every possible option imaginable and probably some options that people aren't even aware of; we know what else is out there and we know we want to adopt a baby or very young child. 

Although my teaching day is spent largely around teenagers, I have been drawn to babies from my earliest days.

 My mother, Linda, ran a daycare from our home throughout my childhood and adolescence. I got lots of practice holding babies, rocking them to sleep, feeding them, and yes-even changing diapers.  I pride myself on my ability to burp even the fussiest of babies, being the first one to squeeze a little baby burp from 3 of my 4 nieces and nephews, even when their parents were having a tough time coaxing them into one. I feel an instant calm and peace when holding a little baby, even when it's crying and cranky, even when it's smelly and stubborn.   I believe babies can sense this about me, and feel comforted and at ease in my arms.  I know babies don't stay little forever, and being raised with a daycare in my home has helped prepare me for every stage of development along the way.

Chad's work has brought him into contact with children as young as 3 with behavioral disorders. His work settings vary from daycare to kindergarten to high school and all the stages in between. 

It was right after he first began working in a kindergarten classroom that he came home and asked me when I thought I would be ready to start a family. I was just in the process of finishing my Master's Degree in Education, and was very on board with his idea. It wasn't until some time along into the process that we found out that biologically, we were not going to be able to have our own baby. We were devastated, as we thought our dreams to become parents were permanently crushed. Some research into infant adoption and its price tag made us feel as though it could never happen. But when your heart is telling you to become a parent, you can only ignore it for so long. Every happy mother and baby made my heart ache, and every dad pushing his child on a swing made me cry. Every new announcement of someone else's miracle took my breath away, and I knew I couldn't go on pretending that I was okay with not being a parent. 

Chad encouraged me to check into adoption again; he felt the pull towards parenthood just as I did. 

We sat through many seminars and meetings on the foster care system.  We checked out Diakon Lutheran Social Ministries, and although we love what they do, their program didn't seem like the right match for us right now. They explained that the wait to adopt an infant can be a very long one, due to the court's desire to attempt to place the infant with any family member willing to take him/her prior to resorting to adopting the child to strangers. It is also not only possible but even likely that any babies placed with us could be returned to their biological parents within a few months. Right now the heartbreak we would feel over becoming close to a baby for months then losing a child we had hoped to call our own would be devastating.





However, the most significant reason we aren't a match for the foster system is that we both work at jobs we need to maintain long-term. Infants and children can be in need of placement without a moment's notice, and of course will require full-time care. While this is true of adoption as well, we have jobs that offer paid family leave based on sick days accrued.  If we had to use those sick days multiple times for foster children, we would lose the family leave after just a few months. Yes, the system pays foster parents, but for us it wouldn't meet our needs to pay off Chad's grad school loans if one of us had to quit our job.

  
Although the cost is daunting, we have decided to proceed with our desire to adopt a baby or young child or perhaps both as a sibling pair. We are trusting that God will help us find an infant and help us find a way to fund this journey.